So…there are a couple of subs I’m friends with online and they are perfect. Their bodies are just simply perfect. I envy them. I weigh 194 lbs when I used to be 110 lbs. The worst part of it all is that I believe in my head to some extent that Sir is not attracted to me anymore. He tells me he loves me and I’m beautiful all the time. But deep down in my brain I just can’t believe it. I envy people that are so comfortable with their body, whether they are small or large, they celebrate their body. I am just not there. I think that is something that I desperately need to work on.
I guess lately, honestly I haven’t been feeling sexy at all. I feel like i’m gross to look at. So I try to keep covered up in my Under Armour gear (Since its so damn cold out). I sleep in pants pajamas and sometimes my stomach really gets in the way of my sleeping. I normally go to a therapist but I haven’t seen her since last year. Perhaps I should make an appointment to discuss this.
I think writing about it is helping too. I hope this reaches someone who is in the same position and it helps them get on the path to celebrating themselves. I am determined to get better at doing this. I know Sir would never lie to me so I know he really loves me. But does he really find me attractive? I don’t know. I guess it’s like that old saying you need to love and appreciate yourself before you can love and appreciate another person. It just doesn’t really matter until you can love and appreciate the situation you are in. And figuring out a way to be happy. That is the point. So I’m determined to get there.
So I know a few posts ago I had suggested that I would give Sir a “send off” every morning. Well I’ve been doing good the past few days. However, last night I was just thinking about the sudden change in my life with medical retirement. Giving up my career that I’ve worked so hard to get. The air felt so heavy and I was unable to sleep and I believe I was on the verge of having a panic attack about everything. Sir tried to calm me by holding me and telling me that it would be alright. Eventually my mind settled and I fell asleep. I must have been sleeping hard because I didn’t wake up to Sir’s alarm clock as usual. I woke up when I heard him getting dressed in the other room. I quickly jumped up and asked him why didn’t he wake me up to give him his send off and he kissed my forehead and told me to go back to sleep. He said that he realized I had had a bad night with a lot on my mind. He said he didn’t need his send off this morning. My heart melted. He put his own needs aside (because I know he loves that send off), just to let me rest. It made me smile and I felt warm and fuzzy inside. I could feel his love all around me and it calmed me. I feel into a deep sleep before he was even out the door for work.
When I finally woke up I realized how much I love Sir. How he’s been there for me the past 8 years through everything. He’s always going to be there and I think taking the journey into our D/s relationship again is only going to make our bond stronger and I want that so badly. So I guess this post is just about feeling the love from your Dominant. I definitely felt him taking care of me last night and this morning.