Do you struggle with body image?
Yes, I do. I have been struggling with it for 3 years now. In 2011 I was diagnosed with Lupus, at the time the only answer to get it under control was to use high doses of Prednisone, which is a steroid. Prednisone makes you extremely hungry and irritable. It also makes your body hold water which causes weight gain. At one point I was taking 120mg every 12 hours. It caused me to gain 75lbs within 6 months. I went from looking like this:
To looking like this
It was quite a drastic change, you can only imagine what it did to me mentally. I was diagnosed with Major Depression and Anxiety. I thought I was the worlds ugliest person. I was ashamed of my body, I didn’t want to have sex or even be naked in front of Sir. I got winded going up stairs it was completely terrible.
Now in the last year, I have lost some of the weight, and I am continuing to lose more. I am off that horrid drug Prednisone. But I am ok in my skin now. Sir makes me feel like I am the most beautiful girl in world and that he wouldn’t want anyone else. I will never be as small as I was and I am ok with that. I just want to be a healthier me.
Do you look around and notice that staggering number of people who may have similar issues?
I really don’t. In my silly head I think that everyone is so comfortable with how they look and I am the only person who has body image issues.
Does you relationship dynamic have specific rules to combat body image insecurities?
No, not as of yet. I think as long as my Sir keeps making me feel like I am beautiful, I will continue to be ok with my body image. If Sir sees that it is getting out of hand I’m sure he will implement something.
So I’ve been asked about my health a lot here lately. How am I able to participate in BDSM activities when I have a disease such as Lupus and Fibromyalgia? I take a lot of medication a day to try to keep my Lupus and Fibromyalgia in check and I take a monthly infusion but even then sometimes there are breakthrough flares of pain and fatigue that do incapacitates me.
I’ve been pondering how to respond to this for a while and I’ve been writing this piece for a while. It’s a hard question to answer but here goes:
- I have a very loving and caring Dominant/Husband. He is aware when I don’t feel good even when I don’t tell him. During those times he takes it pretty easy on me as far as protocol and if he sees that sexual activity is not an option he is ok with that. He always says my health comes first. This is the reason that I am retiring from my job as a Police Officer and coming home to focus on getting healthy and staying that way. I still believe my calling is to serve Sir. That is my number one concern. I don’t always let him know when my body is betraying me but he always seems to tell. I guess that knowing your submissive/wife well.
- Just because I’m a submissive doesn’t mean I’m a masochist. Don’t get me wrong I like a little pain but I don’t crave it ALL the time. I love impact toys, Paddles, Floggers, I’m all down for to a certain extent. I do hope to widen my threshold for pain but its not something that I crave. I wouldn’t consider myself a masochist. Actually at play parties it’s a little hard for me to watch a scene where someone is being flogged or whipped for a long period of time. But I will get better at that the more I am exposed to it I suppose. Plus to go along with this there is good pain and bad pain. Lupus and Fibromyalgia pain are bad. They are debilitating. The pain you get from being flogged is good pain. It makes you feel good. Euphoric in a way.
- It is frustrating when my health gets in the way. Its EXTREMELY frustrating! Because it seems like the times I want to play and be used I can’t because something is hurt. I’m sure its frustrating for Sir as well. I know we don’t get to play as much as he would like because of my health situation.
- Knowing that I am not alone. I am part of a group on Fetlife for Lupus called “Lupus In the Lifestyle”. This group helps so much even if I am just frustrated that I can’t play and I want to go in there and vent. The ladies in this group have helped me out so much in dealing with Lupus in this lifestyle. There is also another group “Fibromyalgia and Kink”, that I get a lot of support from.
- My submission is not always about play. It’s about how best I can serve my Sir. How I can make his life easier. If for some reason I can’t have sex, there are plenty of alternatives that can happen. We are in this thing 24/7 and there is definitely more to our D/s relationship than the BDSM part of it.
I think that I answered the question as best I could but if anyone has anymore questions about Lupus/Fibromyalgia in the lifestyle please comment or message me. I have no problem talking about it.
Well I said I would keep everyone posted on what’s been going on with my health and work situation. So today I spent most of the day on the phone and at our human resources office. So here’s what I found out:
1. Medical retirement-wise: I have to gather all my medical records to turn in (there are a lot). They are mailing me the entire disability medical retirement packet. There is a form that my doctor has to fill out, there’s another form that my supervisors have fill out describing my work duties. They told me how much I would get if approved, which is a lot more than I thought I would get.
2. Social Security Disability-wise: I made an appointment next week to begin filing for that. I need all my doctor’s contact information. They told me how much I will get if approved, which is a nice number.
Good thing with my retirement and social security I will get $20 less than what I make currently working which is good. Now’s time for the hard part getting all the information together to get approved for both. I see my primary care doctor on Friday and we will talk about it seeing for the Social Security Disability he will be the one filing that paperwork out.
People with legitimate illnesses get denied every day for social security disability. The worker told me on the phone that documentation is everything. The more medical documentation you have, the more likely you are to be approved for it. I have plenty of documentation, trust me. I have 9 specialists that take care of me.
So here it goes…I’m a little less relieved knowing more information about both systems. I am not proud to have to do this, I wish there was another way. I wish I could work. I wish I didn’t have the diseases that I have. But I do have them and it’s time to stop pretending I don’t need help.
But it will be a good thing. I keep telling myself. I will be home more and able to serve Sir, so that’s always a plus. Just wanted to drop a line and update the people that were concerned about my health and the decisions that I had to make.
Ok, this is going to be a long post, sort of vanilla but it ties in to my D/s life. So I am forewarning you, its girly, but its about an important part of my life. My career.
So since we have decided to have a D/s relationship, the plan has always been for me to eventually to leave my career and stay at home so we can really be a 24/7 D/s couple. Actually that has been the plan before we started to get into D/s. As I have mentioned before I have Lupus and I’ve been diagnosed with it for 3 years. Been in my career for 6, so this happened after I started my career. My career is physically demanding and it is starting to weigh on me…literally, my body isn’t able to keep up anymore. Currently I am off work because my liver enzymes are elevated and my GI doctor has ordered some tests to find out the cause.
My workplace is struggling a little bit because they have 3 people on sick leave right now (not really my fault or my worry). However I do understand their frustration but to pick at me and suggest that I am abusing sick time (I have doctor’s note for every time I am absent for work) is just childish and unfair. I’m so tired of all the politics involved with my job. I’m tired of peoples attitudes towards me because I have a chronic illness. Me and Sir think its time for me to throw in the towel. He doesn’t think I need to put up with the stress that they cause because it is not good for my health. I will have to put up with their discrimination and sideways glances for the rest of my career if I decide to stay. I don’t really know if I can deal with this type of stress and keep my Lupus under control. Ok, so easy decision, right???
Wrong….and here’s why. Its pretty much financial but I’ll break it down for ya…For 6 years I’ve paid into our state retirement system. I am unsure if I retire medically (which I am eligible to do) how much of my retirement I would get. I was trying to make it to my 10 year mark that way I would get my full pension if I retired medically. With only 6 years in the system, I don’t know how much I would get. I know I wouldn’t get medical benefits if I medically retired now. I would still be covered under Sir’s work insurance but with me having a chronic illness, I need as much health insurance as I can get. I also have a couple of direct sales businesses that I could put my full energy in those and make extra money that way. I sell Nerium and Thirty-One.
If I medically retire, I would also be eligible to apply for disability. However you have to be out of work when you apply for disability. So we would have to be able to survive for a while on Sir’s salary and whatever I would get from medical retirement. Can we do that now? I’m unsure right now. Sorry I’m getting into a lot of unsure territory here but this is best venue for me to try to clear my head.
I am unsure how a lot of these things work, so this week I will be looking into all that by calling our state retirement systems to see how a medical retirement works, then I will call the social security disability office to know what I need in order to apply for it as well. I will also be talking to my doctor next week about filing for disability obviously he would have to be on board but I know he will be. He’s been very concerned about me working.
The last 24 hours I have been so stressed out thinking about the options. I have a constant headache, but hopefully everything will work out. I will keep you all updated on the progress.