Because I’ve been in the hospital and my physical therapy wants me to hold off going back until I see my rehab doctor 6 weeks from now, I’ve been forced to resign from Feeder’s Supply. I have mixed feelings about this. I knew it probably wouldn’t last in the back of my mind but I tried so hard. I really appreciated the discount and it helped a lot financially. But on the other hand it makes me feel like I failed. I can’t help that I am sick. The manager seemed like he didn’t want to do it that HR was telling him he had to. But I also understand that my absence puts them in a bind as well with having to fill those hours. He has to think about whats best for the store and I understand that. I sent Sir a text about it but he hasn’t responded yet. I feel so bad right now…..
Yay! I’m going home tomorrow and I am so excited. I’ve been in the hospital for two weeks. While I would like to thank the wonderful doctors, nurses, and aides that took care of me, I’d definitely rather be home. I miss my puppies and I’m anxious to start over with Sir. I have so much to do when I get home but Saturday is reserved to spending time with the puppies and resting. Out of all the hospitalizations I’ve had in the past because of my Lupus this one I missed my dogs so much more. Maybe because the rehab facility had a therapy dog that I saw everyday. But I can’t wait to have them jumping all over me and giving me their sloppy boxer kisses.
Sunday I definitely have to get my hair done, its looks a hot mess. Sir says the house looks the same as I left it, which means it will need cleaning. I also need to take Mr. Presco to rally run thrus if we are going to show in January. Which I plan to the first and second full weekends. The first weekend I will be travelling with Mr.Capone so he can finish his Beginner Novice title. The second weekend I will be showing Mr. Presco in Rally Advanced. No travelling though. Also the mid-season finale of The Walking Dead is happening Sunday night too. So I will have a pretty busy Sunday.
I also have picked up a second job at a pet food store. I get a free 15lb bag of dog food a month and 15% discount on dog food, 30% discount on everything else in the store,which is awesome and will help out with us financially. I only work two or three nights a week. I don’t have to go back to that job until Wednesday night.
I still need to do a lot of things though, main thing is finish Christmas shopping. I also need to plan for 2017, dog shows, vacations, BDSM events. I’ve still been active in our local BDSM community. I have really made some great friends through that. Our community is so awesome. I still attend play parties, and monthly sub lunches. I still advocate that everyone try to become involved with their local community. I have a sub mom now, lol thats what I call her. She has been in the lifestyle with her Master/Husband for 15 years and she is mentoring me. Her Master isn’t mentoring Sir because he has just been diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease but he said he will be around for any questions that Sir might have for him. I think having them will help us find our dynamic again. We implemented our first rule, I have to text him t 740 am every morning with a good morning text. We are starting out simple and slow. We will talk more about rules and new expectations when I get home. I have a feeling it probably won’t happen until after the holidays because we will be so busy. Sirs father is also in the hospital but he’s expected to be released the 22nd so he will be home for Christmas.
Lots and Lots to do!!! Happy Friday, have a great weekend!!
So I’ve been asked about my health a lot here lately. How am I able to participate in BDSM activities when I have a disease such as Lupus and Fibromyalgia? I take a lot of medication a day to try to keep my Lupus and Fibromyalgia in check and I take a monthly infusion but even then sometimes there are breakthrough flares of pain and fatigue that do incapacitates me.
I’ve been pondering how to respond to this for a while and I’ve been writing this piece for a while. It’s a hard question to answer but here goes:
- I have a very loving and caring Dominant/Husband. He is aware when I don’t feel good even when I don’t tell him. During those times he takes it pretty easy on me as far as protocol and if he sees that sexual activity is not an option he is ok with that. He always says my health comes first. This is the reason that I am retiring from my job as a Police Officer and coming home to focus on getting healthy and staying that way. I still believe my calling is to serve Sir. That is my number one concern. I don’t always let him know when my body is betraying me but he always seems to tell. I guess that knowing your submissive/wife well.
- Just because I’m a submissive doesn’t mean I’m a masochist. Don’t get me wrong I like a little pain but I don’t crave it ALL the time. I love impact toys, Paddles, Floggers, I’m all down for to a certain extent. I do hope to widen my threshold for pain but its not something that I crave. I wouldn’t consider myself a masochist. Actually at play parties it’s a little hard for me to watch a scene where someone is being flogged or whipped for a long period of time. But I will get better at that the more I am exposed to it I suppose. Plus to go along with this there is good pain and bad pain. Lupus and Fibromyalgia pain are bad. They are debilitating. The pain you get from being flogged is good pain. It makes you feel good. Euphoric in a way.
- It is frustrating when my health gets in the way. Its EXTREMELY frustrating! Because it seems like the times I want to play and be used I can’t because something is hurt. I’m sure its frustrating for Sir as well. I know we don’t get to play as much as he would like because of my health situation.
- Knowing that I am not alone. I am part of a group on Fetlife for Lupus called “Lupus In the Lifestyle”. This group helps so much even if I am just frustrated that I can’t play and I want to go in there and vent. The ladies in this group have helped me out so much in dealing with Lupus in this lifestyle. There is also another group “Fibromyalgia and Kink”, that I get a lot of support from.
- My submission is not always about play. It’s about how best I can serve my Sir. How I can make his life easier. If for some reason I can’t have sex, there are plenty of alternatives that can happen. We are in this thing 24/7 and there is definitely more to our D/s relationship than the BDSM part of it.
I think that I answered the question as best I could but if anyone has anymore questions about Lupus/Fibromyalgia in the lifestyle please comment or message me. I have no problem talking about it.
So today, I had my doctors appointment. My doctor took me off from work indefinitely. Next week I will go around to all my specialists and get copies of my medical records to turn into the state retirement board and once they have all the paperwork it will take 6-8 weeks to decide wither or not I’ve been approved for Medical Retirement from Policing. Next Thursday I have my appointment with Social Security Disability, thankfully for that process all I need to do give them a list of my doctors, their addresses and phone numbers. So it’s really happening…it’s really real…and I am just a ball of emotions. One moment I’m relieved, one moment I’m depressed.
It was bittersweet talking to my doctor. He completely agreed that it is time to close the door on being a police officer. My body just isn’t agreeing with it. I’m making my Lupus worse by staying on the force. He said he supports me in any way that he can. He’s an awesome Primary Care doctor, he’s known my husband’s family for over 30 years, so he knows how personally hard this decision was for me. He’s been hinting at medical retirement since I’ve been diagnosed 3 years ago.
Sorry I’m not writing a lot about Kink these days, my mind is just elsewhere right now. I am still getting used to my new role as slave. I am trying to make Sir comfortable when he gets home. Especially now since he is working a lot of overtime to compensate for my income coming down a bit. He is so understanding. I am so lucky to have a Sir like him. He is all about my emotional state right now. He knows how hard this is for me. He sends me texts during the day asking how I’m feeling. He reassures me that this is the best decision for my health. I love him so much. I know there will come a time soon when I am sobbing in his arms about it all and I can fully trust that he will hold me and assure me that everything is going to be alright. I am one lucky slave.