Loss!

21. Cancer. 3 year Battle. Christian. Funny. Life-Loving. Encouraging. God-Fearing. Beautiful. Graceful. Dancer.

These are only a few words that describes a friend I lost recently. Her name was Katie and she was only 21 years old. We were in small group together at our church. 3 years ago she was diagnosed with Cancer. I watched her battle this disease ferociously. She always had a smile on her face and God in her heart. She always had nothing but encouraging words for everyone. She was just a great person. And I don’t mean that in the sense that “She’s gone”…I REALLY mean she was an extraordinary person. Someone that I looked up to. I know that’s funny to say because I’m 31 years old and she 21, but I did.

I was so upset because when I got the news that she had passed I was in Rehab for my legs. I could not leave to attend the services. Sir went to the visitation. He said it was sad when he went to go see her in her casket because it was the first time he’d ever seen her not smiling. I guess in a sense I am glad that I did not see her like that. My last memories of her will be of her smiling and being the sweet Katie that she was. She is no longer in anymore pain and she is finally Cancer-Free.

I hate Cancer. It took my Mom, My Dad. Ok, so my parents were older they had lived their lives. Katie was 21, she had so much life to live. So many things that she would never get to do. My heart hurts for her family. Her parents, how horrible it must be to lose a child. Especially so young. So many people were touched by Katie. When she walked in a room, it was like she radiated this light and when you met her you realized that that light was her love for God. Until the very end she wasn’t afraid. She knew where she was going, to be with Lord and she wasn’t scared. She is now dancing in the streets of Gold.

I will miss Katie. But I will see her again! It’s not goodbye, its see ya later!

TGIF!!!

Yes!! Thank God It’s Friday!!! I’m glad I can say that and it actually be Friday. With my last job my “Fridays” were normally during the week, like Tuesday or Wednesday. Not anymore now I have Monday-Friday 8-4 gig. But any who, Today  was my first day back since my 3 week hospital stay. I was sluggish, yeah. And it took me a while to get myself together. I had over 700 emails I had to check. Plus I had to leave in the middle of the day to get my Benlysta Infusion. I was hoping that my infusion would help me feel a little better. But it didn’t. I still felt tired and heavy, and my voice sounded awful because of the cough I’ve had for the last 3 months that I can’t get to go away. Doctors said it’s because of my lung disease and I probably will always have it. Ugh! It reminds me of my father. He had a terrible smokers cough and when I was little and had dance recitals on video tape you could always hear him coughing and it was a little embarrassing. Although no one knew who it was coughing it was dark in the audience but in my little mind everyone know it was my dad. Anyway, so now I have a cough that annoys the crap out of me.

We have no big plans for this weekend. Normally when I get my infusions the next few days are required rest because I’m so tired. Sunday I plan on having Capone out training all day. First we are going to go to Rally @11, then Schutzund Training @2. So Saturday I will be resting all day, which is good I hear it’s supposed to rain all day anyway.

Things are slowly getting back to normal with me and Sir. We went to dinner tonight and grocery shopping together. We are talking to each other more. I think a start over was something we really needed. We plan to dig a little more deeper into our roles and find out what works for us and what doesn’t work for us. We will revisit our contract and my rules and make them a little more conducive to our life. When we first made them I wasn’t working and now that I am we need to take that into account. So look for an updated rules section soon.

I plan on discussing certain topics again on the blog soon, once life falls back into a comfortable place. Right now I’m still trying to get caught up with work, dog shows, and normal life. Hope all of you are doing well!

 

 

 

Mid-Life Crisis…

Whew! Well A LOT has happened since I last wrote. I have pondered back and forth wither or not I should write about it all. Because it is a lot. But here goes.

Apparently I have had a mid-life crisis and tried to convince myself that Sir wasn’t the right person for me and that I needed to be divorced and start all over again. So much that I even went to talk to a lawyer. I shared my “feelings” with Sir and of course he was heartbroken. After a couple days of living in awkward silence, I finally saw my therapist and she gave some exercises to do and things to think about. I realized that I was having a mid-life crisis or something like that. How could I ever think about leaving my wonderful Sir. WTF? I mean really? He is the perfect man for me. He is honorable, loyal, and he’s my best friend. That was purely the devil trying to break us apart…and he almost won.

When I went to tell Sir, I ended up in the hospital. I had a bad Fibromyalgia flare and could not walk. I was admitted to the hospital and put on heavy pain meds and steroids in 4 hour shifts. I decided I was going to tell him anyway. But I had to make sure that he knew that it wasn’t the pain meds talking. That it was me. We have decided to start over again…our D/s and everything. We admitted we both have issues that we need to work on but together we can get through it. I was in the hospital for 3 days before being transferred to a Rehabilitation Center to get strength back in my legs so I can walk again. I am currently still here in Rehab. Sir has been up here every single day after work and taking care of the dogs.

We seem to be starting things slowly. Once I get home and things get back to normal, I believe we will be ok. Currently I can walk again without a walker. But I am now trying to build up endurance because I cant walk for very long without having to take a break. I have PT and OT 3 times a day each. So my day is pretty much filled up and in the evening Sir comes and has dinner with me and we watch tv for a while. I am scheduled to be discharged on Wednesday.

So hopefully will be writing more as well. Missed writing so much. But have been a little busy.