So…there are a couple of subs I’m friends with online and they are perfect. Their bodies are just simply perfect. I envy them. I weigh 194 lbs when I used to be 110 lbs. The worst part of it all is that I believe in my head to some extent that Sir is not attracted to me anymore. He tells me he loves me and I’m beautiful all the time. But deep down in my brain I just can’t believe it. I envy people that are so comfortable with their body, whether they are small or large, they celebrate their body. I am just not there. I think that is something that I desperately need to work on.
I guess lately, honestly I haven’t been feeling sexy at all. I feel like i’m gross to look at. So I try to keep covered up in my Under Armour gear (Since its so damn cold out). I sleep in pants pajamas and sometimes my stomach really gets in the way of my sleeping. I normally go to a therapist but I haven’t seen her since last year. Perhaps I should make an appointment to discuss this.
I think writing about it is helping too. I hope this reaches someone who is in the same position and it helps them get on the path to celebrating themselves. I am determined to get better at doing this. I know Sir would never lie to me so I know he really loves me. But does he really find me attractive? I don’t know. I guess it’s like that old saying you need to love and appreciate yourself before you can love and appreciate another person. It just doesn’t really matter until you can love and appreciate the situation you are in. And figuring out a way to be happy. That is the point. So I’m determined to get there.