So, I know I haven’t been very consistent here lately with my Blog posts. I am trying to get better at that LOL. But today’s post is one about a recent loss I have encountered.
Last night around 7pm a co-worker of mine (I am a law enforcement officer), walked into our division, sat at his desk and made the decision to end his life. No one was around when he did this and a rookie officer found him while turning in paperwork. This co-worker I worked with briefly when I first got to daywork, a year and a half ago, soon after he was promoted to sergeant and left the division. He recently had come back in the last 2 months to supervise our midwatch platoon.
Since I am on leave, I did not find this out until this morning. I am still in shock even as I write this post. He was just someone I wouldn’t expect to do this. My heart is completely broken. He was funny, oh God he could make your cheeks hurt from laughing so hard. He just was a good guy. I don’t understand. I just wish he would’ve talked to someone, anyone about whatever was troubling him. The world will not be a better place without him. He should know that. Something serious must have happened to turn his personality and for him to think there was no way out. He did leave a note but only our homicide unit knows what it says. They haven’t said anything about the note to anyone. Funeral arrangements still have not been made. He has a child under 2 years old and parents. He wasn’t married. He was in his early forties.
In my profession we are looked at as being strong, always knowing the answers but suicide happens more often then you would think in Law Enforcement. We look after the public but who looks after our mental health? We see some crazy shit on a daily basis. We see people at their worst. Who’s there for us when we need someone to talk to??? Or see the signs in our co-workers that something just isn’t right. I am going through so many emotions right now it’s not even funny. Sadness, Anger, Confusion, Devastation, etc. I mean why??? I am not going to sit here and say that I have never thought of ending it all. Once when my parents died and with having this chronic illness Lupus there have been many days where I just wanted to end it all but I think about the devastation and hurt that it would leave my family and friends. I don’t want to ever hurt them.
So again I will put on a suit (since I am on leave can’t wear my uniform to the funeral), and I will attend a funeral of someone I worked with (the other being my beat partner had a heart attack while running and died). In a sense I am glad I am getting out of this profession. I don’t think I can take many more deaths. I don’t deal with death very well especially when it is someone I know. Which is why I have already made an appointment with my therapist, for tomorrow, to start “talking” about it. I hope writing this post helps me but I have a feeling that it’s going to be a few sleepless nights about this one.