So we’ve been involved in the BDSM world for 4 months now. The one thing I don’t understand are switches, people that sometimes are Doms and other times they are subs. Seeing it online doesn’t bother me as much as in real life because I don’t know what role they are playing and how I should address them. It’s confusing. It’s like “today I’m Dom” ok, “tomorrow I’m a sub”. In my mind I’m just like make up your mind either be a Dom or a sub.

I think its ok every once in a while if your Dom asks you to switch roles for a scene. But I don’t see how you can be both a Dom and sub. I am a sub and I am studying everything there is to study about being a sub and I still have so much more to learn. If you are studying to be both a Dom and sub, it seems almost impossible.

I mean I have nothing against switches, I just don’t understand it. I hope this post doesn’t come across as me bashing switches. Its definitely not meant to be that way. It’s just something so far in the lifestyle that I just don’t understand and its confusing to me. It gets me frustrated because in a public setting I just don’t know what hat they are wearing and how I should address them like at a play party. Like if we are at a informal gathering like our groups weekly coffees, its not an issue because its all laxed.

8 thoughts on “Switches???

  1. So in the beginning I had the same issue. As I developed and changed I understood better. To men im 100% sub, but to women im switch. It all depends on the person im withs personality. Around a domme im sub, around a sub im sub or Domme, around a switch I can be all three. Easiest thing to do at a party and look and listen. A switch will be in the role chosen at that time by the mindframe they are in. If they are with a Dom and being subbie if they have a change in mindframe you will see it in a heart beat. It will take a little practice, but listen to the voice too… It changes. Ugh, wish I could explain it better.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It seems, from your post, that the main issue you are having regarding switches is that you do not know how to address them. I could get into the whole if they are not part of your dynamic, you are not required to use any form of formal address, treat them like people schpeel but I won’t.

    Instead I will say this, ask. I have had this pounded into my head from day one. No one reads minds. To watch behaviors, and try to assess from said behavior, how an individual wishes to be addressed at that moment, is attempting to mind read.

    A simple, “May I ask how you would prefer to be addressed this evening?” will make your life much easier.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you…sorry I am new at this and did not know. I dont have a sub mentor to tell me these things and this world is completely new to me. So i honestly dont know. Sorry that probably makes me sound very naive which when it comes to this lifestyle I am. It sounds like I might have offended which is definitely not my intention. I was just wondering how to be respectable and not looking like an idiot when asking. But your response has CLEARLY answered any questions I might have had about that. .


      • I was not offended by your post at all. We were all new once upon a time. I remember feeling like I would never be able to learn all there was to learn, and being so desperate to do everything right, while being certain I would offend at every turn. I still do have occasion to feel that way, though not quite as often.

        Asking questions is the best (and sometimes only) way to orient your compass. As a sub I found it helpful to preface any question with “May I”. This is respectful, humble, and gives the person you are asking the graceful option of saying “No, you may not.” (And that will happen, by the way. And it will sting. And you will live, though, in the moment, you may wish for the earth to swallow you whole.)

        I wish you the best on your journey.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. I think it can be hard to understand for someone who identifies so strongly with only one role. I know for me personally I cannot switch. My Sir’s main sub can, but only for women and only sometimes. But me? If you were to hand me a flogger or can for instance, the best I could do would be hold onto it until you wanted it back lol! I feel so unbelievably uncomfortable in a Dominant position it actually makes me very unhappy. But the one thing that makes this amazing kinky world so special is the fact that there’s literally something for everyone. I liken it to sexuality in a way; asexual, straight, gay, bisexual etc etc. But to be honest when addressing people I simply address them as people. Unless they are in a specific relationship with me there’s no need to address them any differently than you would respectfully address any other human being 🙂 (ps: never apologize for asking questions! )

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I identify more as a switch. Men generally see me as dominant. And that’s ok sometimes. But every now and again I let the submissive side out. For me, it helps balance things out. I find that the men that are the most sub are the ones in high corporate positions where they are the boss, and they need the release of not making decisions. Having someone make the choices for them. It’s always good to ask questions and have open discussion.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’d always thought and labeled myself a switch, until recently that is. I knew I liked dominating, but I also enjoyed submitting. They are two VERY different feelings.

    It’s only recently that I’ve come to realize that I’m not actually switchy. I’m a Domme, who submits to my Dom. When at a party, if I’m there as sub, I behave as such. I still am dominant with others there, just not to my Dom.

    For me, it’s about the clock system. My Dom is a 12 o’clock Dom. He doesn’t submit to anyone. I’m a 9 o’clock Domme. So while I only submit to my Dom, I’m still respectful if others are more dominant than me. This doesn’t make me switchy, just makes me less of a Domme than those that rank on the 10-12 scale. This can come off switchy, while I just see the scale of dominance. I also use this for submissive people.

    I think all our energy can work in scales, and when people find partners that are at their same level of D/s, changing roles mid steam is much easier.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Understand where you are coming from the whole thing can be a complicated work in progress. Add to that public situations and talk about needing a flow chart to keep it all straight. I agree with I’m Not Anastasia, you can’t usually go with a polite question. I have to say I appreciate authorsienna explanation. When we started this I thought I am a sub. Have to come to say I am more of a Toppy Bottom or Domme that likes to submit or receive. He is a 12 o’clock Dom, the do’er or giver. I am the receiver or do’ey. Where as I know I could never dominate him, I tend to lead/direct/instigate/suggest the proceedings. Confusing I know. We had a moment when we started this and I brought it to him, he said so what you want me to tell you to crawl over here and suck my dick. I actually threw my head back laughed out loud. Guess that was sort of the writing on the wall. Enjoy the journey.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s