Ok, so I have a question for you fellow s-types out there. Is anyone offended by the use of the word “subbies”? I know this is probably a silly question but I joined a group on Facebook (yeah, I know that was my first mistake, LOL) and in my introduction thread I addressed everyone as “Hello fellow subbies…” I got warm responses from most but one of the groups admins was like “Please refuse (yeah, i think the right word would have been ‘refrain’) from using the word subbies in this group”. I innocently posted back “Well, I apologize if I offended anyone, I’ve never heard of a sub being offended by the use of the word subbies…”…her reply “No problem and yes it does offend”…..
So, I just thought I’d ask if anyone else gets offended by that. She’s the first person who’s said they were offended. No one else in the group said anything about being offended. Even the other admin was taken by surprise by the other girls comment. It was just weird. I don’t know. I don’t see anything wrong with using the word subbies. But I do still consider myself new and still learning about the life but haven’t ran into one person who is offended by that.
So, I know I haven’t been very consistent here lately with my Blog posts. I am trying to get better at that LOL. But today’s post is one about a recent loss I have encountered.
Last night around 7pm a co-worker of mine (I am a law enforcement officer), walked into our division, sat at his desk and made the decision to end his life. No one was around when he did this and a rookie officer found him while turning in paperwork. This co-worker I worked with briefly when I first got to daywork, a year and a half ago, soon after he was promoted to sergeant and left the division. He recently had come back in the last 2 months to supervise our midwatch platoon.
Since I am on leave, I did not find this out until this morning. I am still in shock even as I write this post. He was just someone I wouldn’t expect to do this. My heart is completely broken. He was funny, oh God he could make your cheeks hurt from laughing so hard. He just was a good guy. I don’t understand. I just wish he would’ve talked to someone, anyone about whatever was troubling him. The world will not be a better place without him. He should know that. Something serious must have happened to turn his personality and for him to think there was no way out. He did leave a note but only our homicide unit knows what it says. They haven’t said anything about the note to anyone. Funeral arrangements still have not been made. He has a child under 2 years old and parents. He wasn’t married. He was in his early forties.
In my profession we are looked at as being strong, always knowing the answers but suicide happens more often then you would think in Law Enforcement. We look after the public but who looks after our mental health? We see some crazy shit on a daily basis. We see people at their worst. Who’s there for us when we need someone to talk to??? Or see the signs in our co-workers that something just isn’t right. I am going through so many emotions right now it’s not even funny. Sadness, Anger, Confusion, Devastation, etc. I mean why??? I am not going to sit here and say that I have never thought of ending it all. Once when my parents died and with having this chronic illness Lupus there have been many days where I just wanted to end it all but I think about the devastation and hurt that it would leave my family and friends. I don’t want to ever hurt them.
So again I will put on a suit (since I am on leave can’t wear my uniform to the funeral), and I will attend a funeral of someone I worked with (the other being my beat partner had a heart attack while running and died). In a sense I am glad I am getting out of this profession. I don’t think I can take many more deaths. I don’t deal with death very well especially when it is someone I know. Which is why I have already made an appointment with my therapist, for tomorrow, to start “talking” about it. I hope writing this post helps me but I have a feeling that it’s going to be a few sleepless nights about this one.
- Does your Dominant have rules in place to sequester your negative thoughts when you are overwhelmed by emotion?
Yes, I am a very emotional person. So when I get overwhelmed its the perfect time to talk Sir. He helps me calm down and we try to figure out the problem. I am not supposed to think negative thoughts about myself. It is one of my rules.
2. What Can you do to get yourself past emotional times?
I normally try to write wither its in my journal or on this blog. Writing seems to help me get my emotions in check. I also rely on the fact that Sir will help me through with his calming demeanor. I try to analyze the reason why I am so emotional and think if there is anything that I can do about it. If its something that is out of my control (most times it is) then I try let it go in my mind because I can’t change it. If it’s something that I can change then I start a plan on how to change it. I guess I just try to be constructive with the emotions that I am feeling.
3. Do you know what triggers your most emotional lows?
Well here lately, it’s kind of a lot of things. Medical retirement is a major reason I get emotional. Its hard giving up your career that you have prepared yourself for since you were 16. Especially when it isn’t your choice. My heart is in policing trust me it is. But my body just won’t let me do it anymore. I have accepted that. However it doesn’t make me feel happy about retiring. I haven’t really had a big emotional breakdown about it but I’m sure that will come when I have to turn in my gear. I hope they don’t through me a party, because I will be emotional then too. I don’t know. I hate that I have to give up my career but I am grateful that I got to do it for the past 6 years. But this whole retirement process has me on an emotional roller coaster.
Another thing that triggers emotional lows in my disease. When I can’t do things like play, or even go to events because of my illness. It sucks and I feel useless. I want to do things but sometimes my body is just so worn out it really needs rest. I get upset that I can’t do things when my diseases flare up. I get frustrated and Sir has to help me calm down. He assures me that this is something that I can’t help and people will understand that I have to cancel plans because I’m not feeling well.
Another trigger for me is the anniversary of my parent’s death and their birthdays. I’m always sad and thinking about them. Sir tries to keep me in good spirits on those days but its very hard. I think about all that they have missed that’s gone on in my life. I would love to have had them at my wedding and I would love to have a mom that I can go to for advice and talk to. I miss them so much. Speaking of that yesterday was my father’s death anniversary 12 years ago he passed away from lung cancer. I was a daddy’s girl so it was really hard adjusting to not having him around. Oh how I wish he could’ve met Sir. He would have loved him and been his friend.
Whew!! The past few days have been crazy with the newest member of our family. Here he is introducing Mr. Capone.
It’s been crazy the past few days. Its been a long time since we’ve had a puppy in the house. He is four months old and keeping us on our toes. So we’ve been running back and forth running to Petsmart, our vet, Feeders Supply and meeting the family. Whew! We got him Thursday and today is the first day that we haven’t done anything but hang out. Although later we gotta go to Petsmart.
This guy is a little different. He’s a great puppy so far. But I have a lot of pressure to get him trained and titled. He’s from Croatia and has an amazing pedigree. He starts his classes October 1st. So for now I am letting him get used to the schedule that I have for him and the other two dogs.
And just as we got him, my female dog came into season. She will be bred this season. This will be her first litter. I’m anxious to see what kind of mother she will be. Well anyway just wanted to explain why I haven’t been writing the past few days.
So we’ve been involved in the BDSM world for 4 months now. The one thing I don’t understand are switches, people that sometimes are Doms and other times they are subs. Seeing it online doesn’t bother me as much as in real life because I don’t know what role they are playing and how I should address them. It’s confusing. It’s like “today I’m Dom” ok, “tomorrow I’m a sub”. In my mind I’m just like make up your mind either be a Dom or a sub.
I think its ok every once in a while if your Dom asks you to switch roles for a scene. But I don’t see how you can be both a Dom and sub. I am a sub and I am studying everything there is to study about being a sub and I still have so much more to learn. If you are studying to be both a Dom and sub, it seems almost impossible.
I mean I have nothing against switches, I just don’t understand it. I hope this post doesn’t come across as me bashing switches. Its definitely not meant to be that way. It’s just something so far in the lifestyle that I just don’t understand and its confusing to me. It gets me frustrated because in a public setting I just don’t know what hat they are wearing and how I should address them like at a play party. Like if we are at a informal gathering like our groups weekly coffees, its not an issue because its all laxed.
So now for a serious post. I am feeling like I’m not being as good of a submissive as I could be. I have been thinking about it. I haven’t been offering myself to Sir like I should be. I should offer myself to him every day. In the beginning I did the morning send off religiously. Now I’ve gotten laxed and only do it when Sir asks for it. He shouldn’t have to ask for it. It should be automatic. I just had this realization. Part of the reason I’ve become laxed is my health hasn’t been the best in the past couple of weeks. The closer I get to time for my Infusion the more breakthrough pain or fatigue I get and I had my infusion Friday so I should be feeling better. But that is only half of the story.
I still feel a little amateur-ish in the area of sucking cock. Sir thinks I do great, and I guess that’s all that matters really. but I read a lot of other people’s blogs and it seems like they suck their master’s cock all the time. I don’t really and I think it’s my fault. I don’t offer to suck his cock. I’m sure he’d like it if I did it more. I guess I need to get my little submissive ass in gear. I mean really the other day he to ask for it and I felt so bad. 1. He shouldn’t be ASKING for it, he should be demanding if anything. But he shouldn’t even have to be doing that.
I always thought that I was terrible at sucking cock and I guess I’ve let that fear take over myself. I’m guessing the more I do it the more comfortable I will be. But again it’s not about wither or not I feel comfortable, its about pleasing my Sir. But how am I supposed to do that when I feel like I’m not good at something? Even though Sir says it’s great, I feel like its not up to par. That I could be better. I guess every submissive should have a goal or something they want to improve on. I don’t know exactly what I do wrong when I’m doing it but I feel like something could be better. It might be the perfectionist in me, I don’t know.
Sir has been very lenient on me the past few weeks because of my health. But in a couple days I will be back to my normal self and I look forward to being a better submissive for my Sir. I hate it when my health gets in the way of my submission. Once you get into a rhythm of something and things are routine then Lupus comes and screws it all up. What do you do as a submissive when you feel like you aren’t enough or that you are broken???? Would love to get some feedback from any fellow submissives who read this blog.
So, I may be getting a new job. I am applying for two positions at the Veterinary office where I take my dogs. They are looking for a receptionist and a Kennel tech. I don’t know, I guess we will see. Hopefully I get one of those positions and I won’t have to apply for disability. We will be financially ok if I get one of these jobs. So fingers crossed!
Since I’m trying to get this job, I figure why not go back to school and get my Veterinary Technician degree so I can move up in position at the animal clinic if I get the job. Or I could get certified as a dog obedience trainer. I guess everything is really contingent on me getting one of those positions at the animal clinic. I guess only time will tell. Again please keep fingers crossed.
Still waiting on my retirement from the police department to come through. Its taking forever for them to make a decision but they do have a lot of medical records to go through.
I have recently started journaling everyday. I have a pretty nice new red journal that I will write down all my thoughts and feelings about our D/s and Sir is going to read it every night. So that he can know feelings and what he may need to do as a Dominant to help me. Good idea, right? Well the problem is, I’ve been writing but he hasn’t been reading…I don’t think. I leave the journal in our living room so that he has full access to it. But he hasn’t talked to me about any of the stuff that I have written so far. So either A) he’s reading and not communicating with me that he’s reading or B) he’s just not reading. Its part of my rules that I have to write in my journal everyday.
I’m not one to complain. However, I am the one that has to slow down. I want everything to happen fast and right now. I have to slow down and let things happen the pace that Sir wants them to happen.
The daily tasks are going pretty well. I’ve completed them all pretty nicely and I will have to admit. It gives me more motivation to do those tasks so Sir can be proud of me. Those hard tasks like cleaning off the Kitchen table that’s full of mail and other things that simply don’t belong there. I am determined to keep the rooms looking nice without Sir having to tell me to do so. The only rooms that are going to be hard are the dogs room and the extra bedroom but he hasn’t asked me to tackle those just yet.
Also as I sit and write this it is infusion day. I am getting my Benlysta Infusion for my Lupus. It’s a chemotherapy drug that I receive monthly to keep my Lupus in control. It takes about 3 hours to run through my system. For the most part it works but I still have some breakthrough pain that is controlled most the time with pain medications.
Ok, so this post has taken all kinds of turns from Journaling to Daily Tasks, to Infusions, lol. But TGIF, happy Friday everyone!!
So this morning I did something that I haven’t done in weeks…Sirs morning send off and it felt great. This is the start of bring our kink back after being sick for a couple of weeks. I’ve missed it so much. I love pleasing Sir. So yeah, just thought I’d update ya’ll on that. BTW…Happy Labor Day, I hope everyone enjoys their day off!!!